(Writing this letter below to someone who I haven’t spoken to in a while but won’t sending it. Just writing it as if they would see it. They might think I'm fucking insane if I actually sent this.)
To you, I am writing this, do not be mistaken - sending a message in which I believe is appropriately due. If you do not think of me or care less of me, do not read further. If you wish not to take this seriously, do not read further. If you believe I am not taking this seriously, do not read further. I write this with the intention of you being with a mind open and understanding to a malady I am afraid I do not discuss very much - this could be a conclusive statement of mine toward you, something to compensate my lack of communication for months, because I am going far away and likely will not see you in person ever again. I wish to communicate this without reprise or hearkening, malice or otherwise. Of this year and the year prior I have become immersed in a life of antisocial isolation, an almost vampiric sense of living. Since March of 2020 I have lost 20 pounds have experienced episodes of crippling emptiness which has almost sent me into institutionalization along with a senseless sleep schedule. However I am an antisocial being, so I say nothing. An increasing trend in my mind has led me to consciously dismissing emotion during certain periods which has afterwards led me to feelings of both humiliation and content and occasional dwellings into my childhood memories that I believe has shaped me for the worse. But at times, when a loved one dies and I feel nothing, or when disturbing events occur in my life or otherwise and again I feel nothing. I must think to myself of what is wrong with me. Nonetheless I must wear the mask of normalcy, I simply wish not to be pestered by doctors or psychologists or who ever else. However I fear that the emptiness is growing. What I find in myself left is something that I am unsure of, perhaps a lasting attempt to leave a mark on other people, however at this point whether I want that mark to be “good” or “bad” I feel indifference to both. When I say these things to you I am meaning it, I wish not for you to feel any intimidation or feelings to talk to me any further, I wish to be conclusive. Whatever endeavors you take I wish you the best. Do not waste time, we are running out of it. But believe me when I say this that your very effect me used to bring me to my emotional peaks and valleys, but now my emotional landscape is gone. If only you would have seen what I have done, let alone thoughts of mine - how I have changed, what I have been up to. But if you remember, the only question I wish to ask - do you remember the times we have been together? Because I have forgotten them and I feel little of them, perhaps I will recount later in life, but I am certain that I am closer to the end that the beginning, perhaps I won’t experience such things again in a short timeframe. Nonetheless, take care of yourself, goodbye.
It's been half-a-year since I've started working on this website and none of my IRL friends (that I know of) have found this site yet. Some may get the rush of telling secrets but I love keeping secrets. All yall seeing this are tha tru homies fr, all these other mfz on *nstagram btfo lole. I've decided to risk posting my thesis project on insta instead of linking this site, don't care if it gets taken down. I'm sure this site will be found eventually, it shall be a dark day indeed. In other news, I won 4 gold keys from the Scholastic Art Competition which are basically regional medals given to individual pieces; there are honorable mentions, silver and gold keys and the gold keys are judged on the national level for silver and gold medals. I find out in mid-March if anything good comes from that, wish me luck…
I'm so fucking infuriated right now. I've been searching in my car and in my house for my wallet for the past few hours and I am pretty sure it was stolen. It had a fair amount of cash in it and had my licenses and shit. There is a chance it is just lost and I could find it somehow but at this point I am just going to accept it; all that cash, just gone. I didn't have a job over the summer so I am just losing and never gaining, fucking insane. This type of shit is what fuels my numbness, anger and worldly detatchment, this stuff fucks with me even if I present to others that 'its not a big deal'. I just want to be alone and never have to engage in things what would eventually result in this type of fuckery. Seriously, I just want to become a hikikomori and just paint and draw and only interact online; I want to live in a small house in the middle of Iceland and not have to see another living human. I just cannot be left alone; especially now because I agreed to move to Salt Lake City in with my cousins after I finish school and this basically means I'm going to at least have to live with other people around for another two goddamn years... fuck... I'm unsure if I can take much longer of this shit.
I found the wallet it was outside on the sidewalk between my car and my house :| ... I am exhausted belive I shall go get some food now, I haven't eaten yet today.
Last night I had the most dreadful stomach pain I’ve ever had. I have no fucking clue what triggered it, I hadn’t eaten that day so whatever happened there I’m unsure. I wasn’t able to sleep until maybe 5am and a few times I felt like vomiting but nothing came of that. I was just writhing in my bed for hours until the pain died down to the point where I was able to sleep. I feel better now so I guess I can forget about that... This past week I’ve been working on my thesis project and have basically been trying to fix mistakes before I begin detailing; I’m fearful that when I’m done with the piece there’ll be some issue that completely ruins the painting… basically I don’t want this painting to go to shit. On another note there is a story I wish to tell that happened a couple weeks ago but its a part of a saga that would require its own entry so I'll work on that later; probably something that can be incorperated into when I talk about my tales of school perhaps...
My thesis project is underway after a period of reworking the original design I had in mind; I chose to redo my entire design for this project thanks to the essay where we needed to explain for 10 pages what our """concept""" and our """inspiration""" was. Thanks to this new design I was able to talk on and on in my essay about artificial intelligence and was able to quote books and such things like Norbert Weiner's book Cybernetics. This painting will be the largest thing I've ever worked on, the canvas is 4ft by 5ft; it is in the underpainting stage as of now but hopefully it should be done by December or January. The design has nudity and some blood/gore so just in case if *nstagram takes takes it down when I post it I will link this site for my followers to see it uncensored. That's why I've put a password login protecting this journal, however the password is accessable through inspect element so I need to figure out how to fix that :/ . I've also been thinking about college and have mostly thought about taking community college to get an associate's degree and continue from there, either to go to a big art school in the United States (with the most amount of scholarships I can get my hands on) or move to Europe and freelance. I'm thinking towards the latter because I cannot imagine being able to be creative when I am doing stuff I could be doing for free at home with the prospect of working for a souless entity after paying unimaginable amounts of money to SCAD, RISD, or any of these other slaughterhouses. So in the end if I am able to get a full ride scholoarship or maybe a tier below that to one of those, I will go; otherwise, fuck off no way. I just want to be an independent creator who is unassociated with corprate entities; creativity is the only reason I am alive.
To make a long story short, my grandma died unexpectedly after falling in her bathroom on the morning of Nonidi 29 Vendémiaire (Tuesday October 20th) and I’m basically back in Utah until Sunday. I was able to see my cousins and that was pretty refreshing to get some irl social interaction. Like always I have a difficult time feeling ways I should be feeling in accordance to the situation. I wasn’t affected by her death very much even though she was the only grandparent who I have gotten to know. She was the second of my grandparents to die after when my grandfather on the other side of my family died on my birthday; again I did not feel sad when I wanted to regardless and it was frustrating. I suppose it is something I have to live with but it heavily reminds me of my approaching mortality whenever events like this happen. I know there will be people who may be affected by my death but it is simply something I do not consider on an emotional level. Anyways, my cousins and I sifted through some of her old jewelry and coins and stuff and I took a gold $10 coin, which is only around the size of a dime considering the amount of gold the coin is composed of, as well as these diamond earrings with a necklace I will probably keep for a future girlfriend or something like that; my cousin took some rings with emeralds and some other assorted coins. Everything this week has been very impromptu and in a way I can appreciate moments where there is no schedule and separate moments could mean being in different ends of the country. School, as always, has been ass and this particular project I’m working on in Art Senior Synthesis is just… pure aids. It's a 10 page essay explaining one’s thesis artwork and what it “represents” and what's “message” it's trying to send like, let me tell a story through a piece of art instead of babbling and ruining the nuance of a pieces mystery; truly a waste of time, I guess it's preparing us for the aspergic circlejerk of art college virtue signaling and painfully straightforward allegorical explanation. Not related to this topic but I want to keep working on the formatting of this site and potentially purchasing a domain sometime soon, we shall see...
Next weekend I am going to west(ern) Virginia to go bikeriding on this (mostly) downhill trail, I've been there before and I hope that I'll have the opportunity to explore this town I'm staying at on my own just to be alone outside. I've been walking on a certain set of traintracks near my house everyday for the past few weeks - walking for a couple miles just listening to music until I reach a bridge that overlooks a river. Usually I just hang around for half-an-hour or so all alone; there aren't a lot of people who pass through these tracks. Today while I was at the bridge I was listening to Schoenberg's Gurreleider and just sitting on a support beam under the bridge itself for pretty much the entire duration, just looking at the water; I was there for around 2 hours and came home later. I don't really think about much when I sit over there, my mind just goes blank when I stare into the water. Occasionally I think about my future; I am nearer to the end of my life than to the begining; I do not plan to live to old age, I can attest to such. It is difficult for me to imagine life in my twenties, let alone life beyond that. That is essentially the extent to what I think about when I am there. I do not know if I will be able to thoroughly enjoy this trip beyond the bike ride, realistically I will probably sleep for the rest of the time I am out there, it's all I wish to do really. Being able to sleep for eternity is my greatest fantasy; spending the rest of time in a dreamlike limbo without a worry the world, experiencing things with others I have never been able to express in the real world. I don't keep a dream journal, but most of my dreams are usually adventure stories or perpetual instances problemsolving with occasional run-ins with some girl I like or maybe seeing a friend or two along the way. I rarely dream, maybe once-a-month and for the most part I can only remember what goes on in them for a couple minutes after waking up. --- [REDACTED]. Maybe its because I am a sociopath, but I enjoy the chase and feeling of having a crush on someone earlier on during conversation, calculating what I say to be more figurative and subliminal when I DM and shit which probably has a negative effect on the other person. I think I take a sick pleasure in timing my responses to be longer or shorter in duration between texts to see what kind of effect it has on what they say in DMs and what they say in public posts or stories later on. Its not exactly malicious per se but just something I find intriguing in a fucked sociopathic sense. Now just to be clear I'm doing some wierd fucking manipulative talk or anything close to that. Maybe I just truly love being alone and engaging in socialization and chasing is a side gig; I hate that about myself. I just want to be able go talk to people normally without fucking shit sideways and eventually fading back into loneliness, but being lonely is something I hold onto. It is what I know best, it's why I love sleeping and walking on the traintracks and drawing and practicing and shit like that. Anyways, thank you everyone for the growth this site got +4k views in a week I'm glad people are able to see what I am working on and what I am thinking that people in real life don't know about.