- Journal Entries -


  CCXXIX (current)


1 Frimaire an CCXXIX ( 21 11 MMXX )
    My thesis project is underway after a period of reworking the
  original design I had in mind; I chose to redo my entire design 
  for this project thanks to the essay where we needed to explain
  for 10 pages what our """concept""" and our """inspiration""" was.
  Thanks to this new design I was able to talk on and on in my
  essay about artificial intelligence and was able to quote books and
  such things like Norbert Weiner's book Cybernetics. This painting 
  will be the largest thing I've ever worked on, the canvas is 4ft
  by 5ft; it is in the underpainting stage as of now but hopefully
  it should be done by December or January. The design has nudity 
  and some blood/gore so just in case if *nstagram takes takes it
  down when I post it I will link this site for my followers to see
  it uncensored. That's why I've put a password login protecting this
  journal, however the password is accessable through inspect element
  so I need to figure out how to fix that :/ . I've also been 
  thinking about college and have mostly thought about taking community
  college to get an associate's degree and continue from there, either
  to go to a big art school in the United States (with the most 
  amount of scholarships I can get my hands on) or move to Europe
  and freelance. I'm thinking towards the latter because I cannot
  imagine being able to be creative when I am doing stuff I could be 
  doing for free at home with the prospect of working for a souless
  entity after paying unimaginable amounts of money to SCAD, RISD, or
  any of these other slaughterhouses. So in the end if I am able to
  get a full ride scholoarship or maybe a tier below that to one of
  those, I will go; otherwise, fuck off no way. I just want to be an
  independent creator who is unassociated with corprate entities;
  creativity is the only reason I am alive.
2 Brumaire an CCXXIX ( 22 10 MMXX )
    To make a long story short, my grandma died unexpectedly after 
  falling in her bathroom on the morning of Nonidi 29 Vendémiaire 
  (Tuesday October 20th) and I’m basically back in Utah until Sunday.
  I was able to see my cousins and that was pretty refreshing to get 
  some irl social interaction. Like always I have a difficult time
  feeling ways I should be feeling in accordance to the situation. I
  wasn’t affected by her death very much even though she was the only 
  grandparent who I have gotten to know. She was the second of my
  grandparents to die after when my grandfather on the other side of 
  my family died on my birthday; again I did not feel sad when I 
  wanted to regardless and it was frustrating. I suppose it is 
  something I have to live with but it heavily reminds me of my 
  approaching mortality whenever events like this happen. I know there 
  will be people who may be affected by my death but it is simply 
  something I do not consider on an emotional level. Anyways, my 
  cousins and I sifted through some of her old jewelry and coins and 
  stuff and I took a gold $10 coin, which is only around the size of
  a dime considering the amount of gold the coin is composed of, as
  well as these diamond earrings with a necklace I will probably keep
  for a future girlfriend or something like that; my cousin took some
  rings with emeralds and some other assorted coins. Everything this 
  week has been very impromptu and in a way I can appreciate moments 
  where there is no schedule and separate moments could mean being in
  different ends of the country. School, as always, has been ass and 
  this particular project I’m working on in Art Senior Synthesis is
  just… pure aids. It's a 10 page essay explaining one’s thesis 
  artwork and what it “represents” and what's “message” it's trying 
  to send like, let me tell a story through a piece of art instead 
  of babbling and ruining the nuance of a pieces mystery; truly a 
  waste of time, I guess it's preparing us for the aspergic circlejerk
  of art college virtue signaling and painfully straightforward
  allegorical explanation. Not related to this topic but I want to
  keep working on the formatting of this site and potentially 
  purchasing a domain sometime soon, we shall see...
13 Vendémiaire an CCXXIX ( 4 10 MMXX )
    Next weekend I am going to west(ern) Virginia to go bikeriding on
  this (mostly) downhill trail, I've been there before and I hope that
  I'll have the opportunity to explore this town I'm staying at on my
  own just to be alone outside. I've been walking on a certain set of
  traintracks near my house everyday for the past few weeks - walking
  for a couple miles just listening to music until I reach a bridge
  that overlooks a river. Usually I just hang around for half-an-hour
  or so all alone; there aren't a lot of people who pass through
  these tracks. Today while I was at the bridge I was listening to
  Schoenberg's Gurreleider and just sitting on a support beam under the
  bridge itself for pretty much the entire duration, just looking at 
  the water; I was there for around 2 hours and came home later. I 
  don't really think about much when I sit over there, my mind just
  goes blank when I stare into the water. Occasionally I think about 
  my future; I am nearer to the end of my life than to the begining;
  I do not plan to live to old age, I can attest to such. It is
  difficult for me to imagine life in my twenties, let alone life
  beyond that. That is essentially the extent to what I think about
  when I am there. I do not know if I will be able to thoroughly
  enjoy this trip beyond the bike ride, realistically I will probably 
  sleep for the rest of the time I am out there, it's all I wish to
  do really. Being able to sleep for eternity is my greatest fantasy;
  spending the rest of time in a dreamlike limbo without a worry the
  world, experiencing things with others I have never been able to 
  express in the real world. I don't keep a dream journal, but most 
  of my dreams are usually adventure stories or perpetual instances
  problemsolving with occasional run-ins with some girl I like or maybe
  seeing a friend or two along the way. I rarely dream, maybe
  once-a-month and for the most part I can only remember what goes on
  in them for a couple minutes after waking up. --- Ok, so an update
  on the girl I'm talking to - of course because I can't take
  initiative, I haven't asked her out and we've been exclusively DMing
  eachother for the past few weeks, I have a feeling, mainly because
  we are both shy, introverted losers who listen to classical music 
  that there really wont be a real possibility for us to talk more 
  often in person; my feelings towards her are fading and I've been
  getting less and less exited to talk to her each day. Maybe its 
  because I am a sociopath, but I enjoy the chase and feeling of
  having a crush on someone earlier on during conversation, calculating
  what I say to be more figurative and subliminal when I DM and shit
  which probably has a negative effect on the other person. I think I 
  take a sick pleasure in timing my responses to be longer or shorter
  in duration between texts to see what kind of effect it has on what 
  they say in DMs and what they say in public posts or stories later 
  on. Its not exactly malicious per se but just something I find
  intriguing in a fucked sociopathic sense. Now just to be clear I'm
  doing some wierd fucking manipulative talk or anything close to that.
  Maybe I just truly love being alone and engaging in socialization
  and chasing is a side gig; I hate that about myself. I just want to 
  be able go talk to people normally without fucking shit sideways and
  eventually fading back into loneliness, but being lonely is something
  I hold onto. It is what I know best, it's why I love sleeping and
  walking on the traintracks and drawing and practicing and shit like 
  that. Anyways, thank you everyone for the growth this site got +4k 
  views in a week I'm glad people are able to see what I am working
  on and what I am thinking that people in real life don't know about.