- Journal Entries -


  CCXXIX (current)


30 Fructidor an CCXXVIII ( 15 9 MMXX )
    I finished my summer project last Friday and I finally can sleep
  and practice and shit like that. The paint is still wet but I will
  post pictures to the Paintings section on here and on my Instagram
  in about a week. I'm pretty proud of it and I might put it in my 
  portfolio. Also, thx bery much for 10k views hava grejt dej evry1.
25 Fructidor an CCXXVIII ( 10 9 MMXX )
    I’m back, it's been just under two weeks but it feels like
  forever ago… I’ve been working on a summer assignment that has me
  bitten off more that I can chew and I’m working on it and getting
  it finished up tomorrow. I feel guilty and to an extent feel like
  I let my classmates down with this one. The canvas is 3ft by 4ft
  and I really fucking regret getting that big of a canvas. I’ve
  wasted some much fucking paint I’m just so mad at myself for doing
  something that stupid. I tried to pull a few all-nighters in a row
  on the last few days of school but after a day-and-a-half I began 
  to have hallucinations and broke down and succumbed to sleep on
  the floor of my room 2 days before the beginning of school; at 
  that moment I felt like a complete failure and I just wanted to be
  dead. I should’ve done a digital piece or have chosen another 
  piece to do as my project but here I am… damn… Shits going batshit
  crazy, I’m mad at my mom she’s been on my ass for schoolwork even
  though I’m doing the work. The shit we do in online school is so 
  easy I can just do it during class so I have no homework, but it's
  exhausting and awkward to sit in front of a camera like a dulting
  moron. It's so unnecessary - just post instructions and let us do 
  the work on our own and not sit infront of a camera all day
  fucking hell. I despise it so much it's just pointless… I just want
  to be by myself and alone and not have to deal with zombies, it's
5 Fructidor an CCXXVIII ( 21 8 MMXX )
    Invested into some
  new pants. Seems I’m
  encouraging blindsighted
  consumerism and artificial
  demand; these were
  expensive as hell. I’m
  basically back to my
  normal sleeping regiment
  and having a 
  free-floating schedule.
  I’m still DMing back 
  and forth with the girl 
  I was talking about two
  entries ago and things 
  are going really well.
  I’ll wait a week to 
  see if I have corona 
  from being in filthy airports and if things are clear I’ll try to ask
  her if we could hang out somewhere, depending on if I ask first. I
  could go on and on about why I have a crush on her and shit like
  that but its pointless to explain here and would be drawn-out as 
  hell - fuck PDA I see that shit all the time in school and online
  so irritating. I’m thinking of some more topics to talk about in
  future entries and writing bits down as I go about my week - 
  hopefully It’ll be cohesive.
2 Fructidor an CCXXVIII ( 18 8 MMXX )
    I've been working on making more decorative gifs and embellishments
  to fill up a few spots on the homepage and elsewhere these past few 
  days before I return back home. I'm hoping to have the majority of
  spites and art used on here self-made; I also wanna make some more
  cryptic shit too. Teachers have been doing protests and shit like 
  that in my district over the past few weeks to re-open schools
  in-person because the senile don't know how to use computers. God
  damn just let me do school on my own at my own pace so I can get 
  each week done in like 3 days fucking hell.
25 Thermidor an CCXXVIII ( 11 8 MMXX )
    It's been a busy week being out here - I'll be sure to update 
  some more when I get back on Monday. I'll be working on my summer
  project for a while after returning home and I'll share my 
  progress on here as I go. I'm feeling a bit better compared to a 
  month ago; I've been DMing this girl I like for about 2 weeks now 
  and she is essentially the only one of my friends who I talk with
  just about every day. She's really sweet and we've shared a lot 
  about eachother since I've been out here. I'm hoping that we can 
  hangout together after I get back - we shall see...
13 Thermidor an CCXXVIII ( 30 7 MMXX )
    I cried for the first time in a few months last night, in my
  room --- pitch black. I'm glad I can still do it and relieve some
  of my stress. I'm done having a set sleeping schedule; I'm just
  napping when I'm tired and out and about when I'm not.
9 Thermidor an CCXXVIII ( 26 7 MMXX )
    Sorry, I went on hiatus for a bit. Ok so basically school 
  will be online next year I’m really fucking happy about that. No 
  waking up at ungodly hours of the morning to sit in various rooms 
  listening to blabber and filler just to get the teachers paid. 
  Online school is pretty easy for me so I’ll be able to take extra
  classes in a local university so I can be a transfer student when 
  I graduate. America is on a downward spiral, all because the 
  idiocy of certain people who don’t wear masks despite deadly lil
  critters in the air; literal NATURAL SELECTION taking place.
  Especially Florida; if you live there I feel really bad for you
  right now that state is getting rekt. Anyways I gotta get started 
  with my summer project. I haven’t done shit yet and I’m gonna lose 
  time due to being in Utah; I leave a week from tomorrow. I also 
  gotta work on stuff for this site I keep putting off. Hav a grejt
  dej evry1.
27 Messidor an CCXXVIII ( 14 7 MMXX )
    Well, I was unsure before, but I'm more sure now that my irl 
  friends just don't want to talk to me. I can't think of anything I 
  have said to any of them, I haven't spoken to them really that 
  much. I guess that's a reason; I just don't initiate conversation.
  It's something I've been thinking about but I just really want to
  restart. If the planets align, meaning if school is just online
  next year and Utah doesn't go into stage 1 lockdown; when I visit, 
  I could just decide to stay there and finish up school just to 
  establish residency. I also want to cut my hair sort too, right
  now its just below shoulder-length, but I'm not really sure if I 
  want to have long hair anymore. Maybe its some quarter-life crisis
  shit but I just want to feel like a different person and make new 
  friends and get away from my past. If I have to do school online, 
  but where I am now I'll kill myself or someone else. Now if school 
  goes back to normal and I'm able to not go apeshit, I'll have a 
  feeling that I will end highschool the same way I started: alone
  and aimless. Unrelated, but I'm thinking of making some shrines for
  this site. I kinda want to move all of the floppa shit to its own
  page and make a few pages showcasing some memery. Also I
  deactivated my instagram, I just need to get off of it for a while.
21 Messidor an CCXXVIII ( 9 7 MMXX )
    Started detailing 
  today, I usually like
  to start with the nose
  first and go out from 
  there. It seems like
  most artists tend to
  see the flaws emerging
  from the stuff they're
  working on after some
  time working on it. I
  have the opposite 
  problem; I usually 
  need to draw my 
  attention away from
  what I'm doing for a
  while after working on 
  it and then will I 
  recognize flaws after 
  seeing it again with
  fresh eyes. My sleep 
  schedule has been 
  completely fucked these
  past few weeks. I've
  tried being on a 48
  hour schedule but I
  just can't. I love 
  sleeping, damn 
  it woman let me sleep. 
  So basically I'm
  sleeping when I feel 
  like it and the same 
  for being awake. This
  past week I've been 
  going to bed around 
  4am and waking up around 12pm. That's how it'll probably be until I
  gotta travel. Next month I'll be in Utah for a couple weeks. It'll
  be nice to see.some cool scenery and I'll be away from THE VIRGIN 
15 Messidor an CCXXVIII ( 3 7 MMXX )
    Just want to say thx to people who have found me on here 
  recently, I've been seeing some cool websites and cool people on 
  Neocities and I'll be trying to follow more people as the days go
  on. Neocities has been a great outlet for me to just talk and 
  more-or-less cohesively organize my thoughts. My site right now 
  still needs work but things are going well. Anyways, today I
  turn 17. B-days arent too eventful for me, the last time I had a 
  birthday party was around 9 or 10 years ago, I just can't handle 
  something like that now. WATEVER BRO 365 days have past: I'm still 
  socially stunted, my awarness and reflexes are hazed in a drunken 
  fuckfest of conciseness and my hand-writing has not improved since
  4th grade LOLE. Also disregard what I said in my first entry, I 
  just gotta play bass, that's my caste. Unrelated, but the painting 
  rn is coming along and I've begun to paint more detailed parts of 
  the face. I kinda want to talk about a spesific topic in a future
  entry, I'm just not sure what yet. I'm thinking about rambling 
  about how I h8 YOOTOOB or maybe just in general the algorithmic 
  method of popular social media that has psycologically fucked
  people over in the ass---actually, nevermind I'll just rant about 
  school next. It sucks and I hope its cancelled or online in 
  September; that'll be the thesis I guess idk.
14 Messidor an CCXXVIII ( 2 7 MMXX )
    So I've been working on this painting today so I
  can eventually get used to painting faces with oils
  in preperation for my summer project. Today I got
  a 48 x 36 inch canvas; I'm really trying to put
  some more thought into projects. It's a topic I 
  want to go in depth later on how judges and juried
  exhibitions function and select artworks, and how 
  it's fucked. There have been cases where I would 
  win some contests and others where I wouldn't even
  be exhibited. One annual exhibition in particular is nutorious in 
  school as being batshit insane in choosing exhibition winners. A
  month ago they deciced their best digital art selection, and it 
  was to say the least questionable in its quality. I had submitted 
  a few Blender pieces thinking I would have a chance at getting an
  award or at least to get in, but alas I didn't get exhibited. The
  only piece that's been in was a literal sketch done in photoshop 
  three fucking years ago, its shit - what were they thinking? The
  jurors don't even read the artist statements either; I wouldn't be 
  suprised if they just had a bag full of named index cards and just
  pulled on out, and that was the winner for each category. Whatever 
  I'm just in crybaby mode it doesn't matter, its standard fair for
  exhibitions to vary just felt like talking about it. Anyways, I 
  gotta adjust a few things with this underpainting before I start 
  working on it in detail. I gotta adjust the lips and cheek a 
  little bit.
    In other news, I listened to Rautavaara's 7th Symphony and his
  3rd Piano Concerto - cool stuff, the 3rd movement to the 7th 
  symphony has some of the most beautiful harmonies I've heard in 
  contemporary classical stuff.
12 Messidor an CCXXVIII ( 30 6 MMXX )
    Short update today, I bought the pants I wanted to get ~5 days 
  ago and I'm waiting for them to arrive in the mail, I guess that
  is something to look forward to. I probably won't be seeing anyone 
  until September tho so it really doesn't matter right now. I just
  hope to god they fit cause it'll be awhile to try to get the right
  size again if the pair I get doesn't.
5 Messidor an CXXVIII ( 23 6 MMXX )
    Ok I know what I'm save up for my birthday, July 3rd; i've 
  decided not to get the 8-string Ibanez, i'm going to just save 
  money up for some clothes. I'll get some pants from Tripp NYC, and
  I'll go a thrift store for some new shirts and new belts, my old 
  ones are falling apart. I just don't want to waste money on
  something that I know won't be my main instrument; I also need to
  start saving up for a 5-string upright double bass if I want to be
  apart of a symphony orchestra after I graduate.
4 Messidor an CCXXVIII ( 22 6 MMXX )
    Social media is fucking with me so much, its so impusive for me
  to check my stats and impressions on my posts and shit like that.
  I don't even DM people that much, the last time I messaged on 
  Instagram was around a week ago; for me, DM people is a genuine 
  struggle because I'm that type of person who always has to
  formulate their thoughts into writing. Like what the hell why
  can't I just say what I want to say? Why can't I be like those
  people who are always social butterflies online, always getting in
  contact with eachother and hanging out and having fun irl. Fuck, 
  that's probably why I don't have that many friends, thats for sure
  why I don't have a girlfriend. Social media is so removed from 
  regular conversation, but even then, I'm  scared of it, terrified. 
  At least I have this outlet to say shit; the effect my life will 
  have on the world will be of no significance, void of affection, I 
  feel like a nuisance. I'm focusing more on creating art and shit 
  like that, but still, I want to enjoy my teenage years before 
  they're gone, but at this rate I don't have high hopes.
  Also my main page right now is a shitshow I need to have that
  match this page here, all hail Floppa.
3 Messidor an CCXXVIII ( 21 6 MMXX )
    Hello, I will be writing more things on here as the days go by.
  I am learning more things about HTML each day; I want to make sure
  that I update everthing and organize a cohesive site, because right
  now this is pretty basic. I'll ramble, I'll confess, I'll vent. I 
  like ya cut G.

    In other news, my birthday is coming up and I am saving up for 
  an 8-string Ibanez RG8 from my work and some pants from Tripp NYC. 
  I have this trinity of instrument selection: upright bass, electric 
  bass, and guitar. I've been getting into djent and math rock during 
  quaratine, and I'm willing to push myself to practice to get to a 
  level in which I can express myself musically differently from the 
  bass; 8-stringers like Tosin Abasi are big influences for  me. Its 
  not like I'm going to be busy this summer; I'll be inside all the
  time might as well do somthing productive.